Fault (Define Book 3) Page 11

  “Do you want me to read?” I surprised myself with my question.

  “Yes, please! Sit here,” she added, making a space for me next to her on the floor. I sat, aware that I was going to have to concentrate so hard on turning the letters on the page into words into sentences. All my brain wanted to focus on was each and every point at which her body brushed mine.

  Every time I glanced up from my reading, I would be distracted by some detail I hadn’t noticed before: the freckles on her forearms or the multiple shades of copper in a random lock of hair. Dad looked at me with each stumbled sentence, but I would just look back at the copy of Great Expectations, pretending I was struggling with the Victorian syntax.

  By the end of the chapter, I knew Dad was aware of exactly what was going on. He stood up, gave his usual goodnight mumble and wave and, with an attempt at a knowing smile in my direction, left the room. Grace and I were still sat on the floor, each as uncertain as the other of our next move.

  “I was thinking about seeing if your dad could use my Kindle by himself” was Grace’s surprising comment. “I’m sure he could manage it, as you don’t need to be that precise when touching it to turn the page. What do you think?”

  I thought Dad had concretely refused to try any technology that might make it easier to live his post-stroke life. I thought it was a battle I had long given up on. But I also thought Dad might let Grace persuade him to give it a try.

  “It might be worth it. After the stroke, he had ridiculous amounts of physical and occupational therapy, but he didn’t like any of the gadgets they tried with him. I think he was worried he might end up with some sort of Stephen Hawking talking machine. But I’m sure he misses reading. Books have always been such an important part of his life. Why don’t you suggest it? Just don’t push him on it.”

  She was still caressing the edge of the book. I was still jealous.

  “What do you think he misses the most? You know, since the stroke.”

  I thought for a while, unsure of the answer as I tried not to think too much about what his life lacked. “Conversation. Questions. Challenge. He was, is, such an intelligent man. He was so good at his job because he could talk to people, get them to admit what they tried to keep hidden. I see those questions, lined up behind his eyes sometimes, and wonder why he won’t try any of the communication tools available. Some people lose cognitive function after a stroke but, other than his verbal skills, he is as bright as he ever was. Nobody gets to share it anymore though.” I longed for the debates and arguments we used to have. As much as I loved him, I missed him, the old him I hadn’t appreciated until he’d gone.

  “Will he get any better?”

  “Not now. Before the therapy, he was a mess, completely dependent. I don’t know if he would have wanted to carry on like that. He worked so hard to get his independence, his dignity, back. The doctors were surprised by how much use he got back in his left side, and so we’re grateful for what he can do, rather than resentful of what he can’t.”

  “Could he get worse?” Her voice softly voiced my own fear.

  “Possibly, if he doesn’t keep up with the exercises. His functionality is pretty stable now so there shouldn’t be any further deterioration. This is him.” And this was my life.

  “Well, I love him just as he is.” How I wished those words were not about Dad. “I’ve missed having a dad.”

  “But you’ve got us now. We’re Team Grace!” I bumped my shoulder into hers before looking at her. “I mean it. We are here for you. Whatever you want, just ask.”

  She looked at me intently and took a deep breath before speaking. “I know. But I want something different.”

  “What do you mean?” I couldn’t stop myself from wondering if this was when she was going to declare earlier a mistake, or tell me that she just wanted to be friends. That moment gave me a perspective on what I’d put her through when I’d backed off before.

  The biting of her lip betrayed her own insecurity. “What I want from your dad is just that: being a dad. Someone who cares for me, laughs at me, puts up with me.” Her eyes finally looked away, not quite brave enough. “What I want from you is… not that.”

  I tilted her chin and forced her to look at me. “You don’t want me to care for you, to put up with you?” Of course I knew what she meant, but I needed her to articulate it, for both our sakes.

  “No, that’s not what I meant! I mean that I don’t want it to be in the same way. For the same reasons as your dad. I’m not making sense, am I?”

  “In what way do you want me to care for you, Grace?” It was the million-dollar question and by asking it, I placed everything on red. If she didn’t say what I wanted to hear, I would have lost everything.

  “Not like family,” she said, tugging at the hem of her shirt, biting that lip again. “I want it all. I want to be the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing on your mind as you fall asleep.” She refused to look away that time, impressing me with her bravery, forcing me to be honest in return.

  “You already are.” I moved closer and took her head in my hands before telling her mouth, her lips, how much she meant to me. “You mean so much more than I thought possible,” I admitted to the soft spot between her jaw and ear. “You’ve brought happiness back,” I whispered as I nipped at the tender skin on her neck.

  Manoeuvring us so we could see each other, I laced my fingers in hers and brought them up to my chest, needing to feel her against me. “You already mean so much to me, Grace. This, us, is happening, if that’s what you want. But if you don’t, if you’re the slightest bit unsure, you need to tell me and we can go back to being friends.” I tried not to think about what I would do, what I would feel, if she said no. “I won’t mess around with your feelings because I can’t mess around with my own.” My body stilled, waiting for her response.

  “Weren’t you listening earlier? This is so what I want.” She shimmied up so our faces were level. “You are what I want, Noah.” And she kissed the hell out of me, as if I needed proof.

  “Well that’s a fortunate coincidence, isn’t it?” I joked at the end of the kiss.

  “But,” she whispered, and I paused, “I can’t deal with the to-ing and fro-ing. I need to know that you want this in the same way I do, that you’re not going to change your mind again tomorrow. I can’t let you do that to me again.” The truth of her words pained me.

  I pulled my head back and looked at her. “I promise. This is it. I’m all in.” I kissed her, desperate to show her in any way possible how much I meant it. Her moan as she slid her fingers into my hair was my undoing.

  We ended up lying on the floor, limbs tangled together, me desperately trying not to lose it but knowing that the press of my hard-on against her was all the evidence she needed of how lost I was. Of how lost I wanted to be in her. With her.

  I lightened the pressure of my body against hers. Taking a final taste of the sweetness of her mouth, I pulled her to me, tucking her head into my neck and circling her with my arms. “I need to slow down,” I said, hoping the closeness would tell her that my only reason for stopping was my own sanity.

  “That was… a surprise,” she said into my shirt, but I could feel the smile on her face.

  I kissed the top of her head, inhaling the vanilla and cherry that would forever remind me of her. “Really? Are you trying to tell me you weren’t sat here, listening to me read, waiting for the moment it would be just the two of us? Because I was.”

  “Maybe,” she admitted, tightening her hold on my waist. “I wasn’t sure what would happen when we ‘talked about it’.”

  Her air quotes made me smile, but I knew there was still a hint of uncertainty. Cupping her face in my hands, I looked straight at her.

  “I’ve made a promise, Grace, and like the good Boy Scout I was, I believe in keeping them.” Her smile filled my world with light. “But I think it’s time to say goodnight.” I stood and held out my hand to help her stand. I couldn’t resist pu
lling her to me again but kept the kiss light, even though every part of me wanted more. “Goodnight, Grace.” I gave the tips of her fingers one final kiss, knowing I wouldn’t be able to stop if I went near her mouth again.

  “Goodnight, Noah.” She took my hand and returned the gesture before leaving me standing there, hoping I was strong enough to cope with the feelings that were coursing through me. I had never felt anything as strongly as I felt for her. She made everything more. I wanted more. I wanted to be more.

  A few minutes later found me stood on the landing, waiting for Grace to come out of the bathroom, my worries about looking stalker-ish superseded by the need to see her one last time before we spent the next few hours apart.

  “Hey,” she said, seemingly unsurprised to see me standing there. God, I tried not to look at how obvious it was that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath that tight little tee that made up the top half of her sleepwear. But that just meant I looked down and saw the barely-there shorts that were so not the pyjama bottoms I was expecting.

  “Hey” was the only reply I could muster in my blood-deprived brain. Any movement would have revealed the fact that I was unable to walk without embarrassing myself. So I stood there, mute and pointless.

  Grace stepped towards me and kissed me chastely on the lips. “Sleep tight.” She winked and walked away, leaving me unsure whether to laugh or cry. Or take a very long shower.

  She closed her door, and I waited to hear the customary click of the lock being put in place. Nothing. Silence. I couldn’t stop myself punching the air in celebration at everything that non-sound represented.

  THE NEXT COUPLE of weeks were a heady mix of flirting, making out and sexual frustration, on my part at least. Other than when either of us was working, we spent pretty much every minute together. Nothing happened in front of Max, even though I was sure he knew what was going on. But as soon as it was the two of us in the kitchen, alone in the lounge or, my favourite, at the top of the stairs, we couldn’t stop ourselves giving in to the tension that glimmered and buzzed around us like electricity. Yet it never went into our bedrooms, both of us aware that it would be much more difficult to respect the line that we had wordlessly created for ourselves.

  With time passing, I started to worry about my impending A Level results. I wasn’t bothered about the grades as I knew I’d worked hard, but I was worried about the need for a decision they would bring with them. Jake’s death had meant I’d given up on the dream of going to drama school. I’d missed audition deadlines and couldn’t get myself interested enough to apply. Life had seemed so pointless. But the nagging of my drama teacher meant I had submitted university applications, and the two I had provisionally accepted were certainly within my reach academically. Yet the changes of the last few months made moving away from Josh the last thing I wanted to do. And it wasn’t just Josh now. I couldn’t think about a future where Noah, and Max, were in my past. I was living in limbo but hadn’t let Noah know this, and it was starting to feel like deceit.

  That evening, as we cleared the dishes after dinner, I broached the subject. “Next week is results day.”

  Noah turned to face me. “When?”

  “Thursday. I can see if I’ve got my university places online from midnight but I have to go into school to collect the actual results.”

  “How are you feeling about them?” I knew he was holding back from asking the more significant questions.

  “Okay, I suppose. I got good grades on my mock exams, and my drama practical came out as an A so they should be fine.”

  “What do you need for university?” The whiteness of his knuckles gripping the countertop belied the softness of his voice.

  “ABB for York and BBC for Birmingham City.”

  “York? That’s a long way from home.” I wondered whose home he meant.

  “That was part of the plan, before everything changed,” I admitted.

  “What’s the plan now?” He rubbed at an invisible mark on his shirt, unable to look me in the eye.

  “I don’t know. I can’t go to university while all this is going on. There’s the trial. And Josh. And Lauren has been so good to me. I don’t want to leave her in a mess.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “And you. I don’t want to leave you. Or Max.”

  Noah straightened and made sure I was looking at him before he started speaking. “You can’t put your life on hold for others, Grace. You are so clever and talented. Don’t waste it. Uni is an amazing experience that will open so many doors for you. You, more than anyone else I know, deserve that chance. You have to go.”

  I’d lost count of the number of times Jake had told me that getting away was my best chance at a different life. Hearing it from Noah hurt so much more.

  “I don’t mean I’ll never go, maybe just defer for a year to allow things to settle down.” I wanted him to jump for joy at the suggestion, to show me that he wanted me to stay above anything else.

  He crossed his arms. “Do you honestly think it will be any easier next year? What if your mum is back home? Will you be able to leave her? You can’t predict what will happen between now and then. Let’s be honest, we’re both here because of life’s curveballs. There’s nothing to say that there isn’t another one lined up for either of us.” There was no evidence on his face that told me whether those were the words he felt he should say or the words he believed.

  I could feel that all too familiar prickling at the back of my eyes. “Do you think I don’t know that, Noah? But sometimes those curveballs can also be positive. That’s why I’m here, with you. You might not agree with me, but I think if Fate is going to throw all the crap she can muster at me, I’d be foolish to give up on what is good in my life. Not when I actually have a choice for once.” Leaving the kitchen before the tears started, I went to my room, enjoying the slam of the door behind me.

  As the evening wore on, I felt foolish at the way I’d trapped myself. Nothing held my concentration. I read for a while, but couldn’t remember a thing that happened. Going anywhere other than the bathroom would mean having to talk to Noah and admit that I shouldn’t have stropped off like that. After the world’s longest shower, I sat in my room, bored and wishing I were downstairs, reading Great Expectations to Max, hoping Noah would linger on the landing when he came to bed. I promised myself that I would go and end the status quo if he did.

  He didn’t. I heard him come upstairs and use the bathroom. I heard the brief pause in his footsteps as he passed my door. I heard the click of his bedroom door closing.

  I KNOCKED ON his door.

  “Come in.” Just the sound of his voice made me shiver. I pulled back my shoulders and walked in, closing the door behind me even though there was no way Max could hear anything from downstairs. The room was lit only by a small reading lamp, hiding the rest of the space in shadows. It struck me that I hadn’t been in Noah’s room before. I’d seen its dark wood furniture and navy blue colour through the open door but had never been invited in until now. Maybe it was a good thing that the lighting was so dim; at least I wouldn’t be distracted by this glimpse into his world.

  My focus took a brief holiday when I realised Noah was sat in bed, looking hotter than I’d ever seen him. Maybe it was the book in his hand. Or maybe it was the fact that he was naked from the waist up. I couldn’t remember even the first line I had rehearsed beforehand in my room. He sat there, waiting; after all, it was me who had knocked on his door.

  “Can I sit down?” The awkwardness of the situation was compounded by my standing just inside the doorway.

  “Of course.” He patted the other side of his bed. Maybe standing wasn’t the most awkward thing after all.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, facing him but keeping enough distance so that there could be no accidental touching. “I want to talk about what happened earlier.”

  “Okay,” he said, making my task no easier.

  “I shouldn’t have walked away like that. I didn’t want you to see how upset I was, s
o I ran.” I kept my voice calm.

  “Why didn’t you want me to see that?” His book was now abandoned, his attention solely on me.

  “Because then you’d realise how much you mean to me. How much leaving you would hurt me.” My muscles were tight as I spoke words that couldn’t be taken back.

  “Don’t you know that it would hurt me too, Grace? God, I can’t bear to think about it. But I’m not going to let you give up your future for this. There is a world out there you need to see, a life you need to live.” He dragged his hand through his hair, and I made myself look away from the movement of muscle beneath skin it caused in his abs, his chest. I needed to focus before I lost my nerve.

  I edged closer to him. “But that’s the issue. You can’t stop me. This isn’t your decision to make. It’s mine and I need to be the one in control of it. Yes, you’re entitled to your opinion and I respect it. But the decision rests with me. It’s my life, and I choose this. I choose you.”

  The warmth in his eyes helped me believe that he wasn’t going to argue.

  “You’re right to say it’s your choice. But I get to make decisions about my life too, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I thought you were giving up anything to be with me. That’s not who I am, Grace.” He paused, making my heart stop. “But look, you don’t need to decide tonight. Let’s see what next Thursday brings. You might end up failing them all.” The half-smile we shared reflected that we both knew the decision wasn’t going to be that easy. “Now go to bed and stop worrying about it.”

  “No.” The look on his face was priceless. “Didn’t you hear me? I’m taking control of my life.” There was a pause, and I swear even the world stopped turning on its axis in anticipation of my next move. I reached down for the hem of my tee and pulled it over my head before straddling his legs. “And I think we’ve spent long enough at first base.” Leaning forward, inwardly praying that I wasn’t about to be rejected, I took his head in my hands and kissed him. Hard.