Fault (Define Book 3) Read online

  “Hey,” Noah said, his voice rasped with sleep. “What are you doing over there?” I could see the concern on his face, as uncertain as I about what to do on this innocent morning after the night before. Could I tell him about the dream? Should I? I didn’t want to hurt him, not after everything he had done to take care of me. And I wasn’t sure that it wasn’t just a one-off. I had to hope it was.

  I gave him a smile that felt fake. “Just admiring the view.”

  The shadow that passed over his face told me he wasn’t convinced. “You sure you’re okay?” He sat up, not bothered by the nakedness of his chest. His eyes focused on me, fully awake. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  I should have known he wouldn’t see through the lie. “I’m a bit freaked out, to be honest.”

  He dragged his hand through the bed-head mess of his hair. “Do you want to tell me why?” As if sensing my uncertainty, he stretched and kicked off the sheet. “I’m going to use the bathroom, okay? We can talk when I get back. Or we can just lie here. You’re in charge, Grace. Okay?” He stood, and I couldn’t stop myself looking at his tented boxers. “Sorry. You know… morning glory and all,” he muttered, a hint of embarrassment staining his cheeks. “I won’t be long.” He gave me an almost-smile before he left the room.

  Wanting to return to the previous safety of Noah’s bed, I wrapped myself in the sheet and sat with my back against the headboard. How could I explain what had happened? Who I thought he was?

  Noah reappeared, a mug in each hand. He passed one to me before sitting on the chair next to the bed. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

  “Now or that day?”

  “Whatever you’re happy telling me.” He sipped at his coffee as I debated which part would impact the least on his opinion of me.

  “I had a nightmare,” I started. “And you were in it.” I looked at him over the top of my mug and could tell that he already knew. Maybe not the whole story, but he knew. “You were him.”

  “What was I doing?”

  “You were on top of me. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.” His face was ashen and his body pressed into the back of the chair. “You were asleep. You weren’t to know. I just panicked.”

  “And it reminded you of what happened that day? Is that why you didn’t want to go into the kitchen at your house?”

  “Yes.” I could almost see the sickening film that was running through his mind and knew it would be impossible to erase. The only thing I could do was tell him the full story, to make sure that at least he saw the truth. Keeping my voice as controlled as possible, I told Noah the facts of that afternoon, but I couldn’t stop the tears that crept down my face. When I finished talking, I closed my eyes, unable to look at him, scared of what I might see.

  I felt his weight on the bed before he pulled me onto his lap, tucking my head into his neck, cradling me, comforting me. Nothing was said until my tears had stopped.

  “I wish I could take away that day. I wish I could take away what that bastard did to you. But I can’t. I will do anything I can to help you get past this though. Anything.”

  I hugged him, unsure of what to say.

  “Was this morning the first time this has happened?” There was a hesitancy to his question that I needed to eradicate.

  “Yes.” Pulling back, I looked up at him. “Nothing else we’ve done has made me think about it. I promise. I think it was just that waking up with you triggered something in my subconscious. I know it sounds weird, but I’ve been able to block it out. Other than a couple of nightmares, I haven’t thought about it.”

  “Maybe that’s not a good thing. Weren’t you offered any counselling or anything?”

  “They gave me a number to ring, but I was more concerned with trying to find somewhere to live.” Part of me didn’t think I needed any help. Part of me didn’t want to find out that I did.

  “Maybe you should try it.”

  “Maybe.” But I knew I wouldn’t; it had been hard enough telling Noah, and I knew him. I couldn’t talk to a stranger about it. “I’m going to have a shower.” I got up, still wrapped in the sheet. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

  His sigh lingered in my ears long after I had left his room.

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING out here?” Noah’s surprise at finding Max and me sat in the garden was evident. He had gone into town earlier, and I had been inspired to give Max a change of scenery.

  “It was too sunny to stay indoors, wasn’t it, Max?” He grinned in response, his arm outstretched in a sunbathing gesture. “And this is lovely,” I said, looking out at the rolling farmland at the end of the garden. “It would be wrong not to make the most of it.” We had spent the afternoon in the sun, me teaching Max how to use the Kindle. He had been reading independently for the last hour as I dozed in the sun, hoping to lose some of the paleness that accompanied my red hair whilst praying that my sun cream would stop me from burning.

  “Give me five minutes and I’ll join you.”

  Less than five minutes later, Noah reappeared, dressed in just workout shorts and carrying a tray of cold drinks. After setting up Max, he squatted on the floor next to where I sat on a towel. He flicked a few of the drops of condensation from a can at me, making me squeal as the cold water hit my warmed skin.

  “You look beautiful,” he whispered, leaning in to graze the corner of my mouth with his. Surprised by the open display of his feelings, I glanced across at Max. “Don’t worry. He knows. And I don’t want to hide it anymore.” Noah’s words were broken up by the merest of kisses, never quite covering my mouth with his. The familiar heat started to burn inside me, and I could see it reciprocated in his eyes.

  “Thank you. You’re looking mighty fine too,” I added, my eyes drawn to the line of hair that disappeared into the top of his shorts.

  “Umm, my face is up here,” Noah laughed before sitting so close to me I could feel the pulses of electricity between us. “Reading Great Expectations, Dad?” Max responded with a negative grunt and held out the Kindle. Noah took one look at the screen and smiled. “God, that’s a blast from the past! I can remember you reading that to me when I was a kid. Everyone else’s parents read them Harry Potter, but I got Frankenstein before bed!”

  Max laughed and continued reading.

  Noah placed a kiss on my shoulder. “You were right about the Kindle.”

  “I know. He was so sweet, making me find him something else to read to himself so we could still read Great Expectations together.” I looked across at Noah only to be blown away by the raw emotion in his eyes. It didn’t scare me, but I wasn’t ready to face what he was feeling at that moment. “Shall we order pizza tonight? I don’t want to cook in this heat, and we could eat out here.”

  With a quick blink, Noah’s eyes returned to a lighter darkness and he smiled in agreement.

  “I WANT TO SLEEP with you tonight.” Whilst I had kept some physical distance from Noah for most of the evening, I had decided on what was the best way to confront that morning’s nightmare. Waiting for him to come upstairs, I had almost talked myself out of it. I leant against his door, hiding the telltale shake of my hands behind my back.

  His breath hitched. “I’m going to need you to clarify exactly what you mean,” he uttered, everything about his body and voice contained and controlled.

  “What’s to clarify? I want to sleep in your bed again tonight. You know, face your fears and all that.” It was a shame I couldn’t hide the shake in my voice too.

  “Are you sure this is the right thing to do? What if—” He ended the sentence with running his hand through his hair.

  I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. “I know, but what if it doesn’t happen again? Do we never spend the night together just in case it does? I want to believe that this morning was a one-off. I have to believe that.” Grasping his waist, I pressed myself against him, tingling at every juncture of hard and soft. “So, can I?”

  His hands clasped at the small of my back, sealin
g any gaps between us. “Yes.” Lowering his head to mine, he nudged my hair out of the way before pressing a line of soft kisses along my neck. “Whatever you want, Grace, it’s yours. I’m yours.” Lifting me so I could wrap my legs around his waist, he walked us into his room. Part of me wanted him to slam me against the wall and push his way into my heart. Part of me wanted him to gently place me onto the bed and press his way into my soul. The rest of me knew he was there already.

  He lowered himself onto the edge of the bed, keeping us joined at the hips. His mouth was soft and warm in its insistence, tracing, delving, owning mine. He held me upright, stopped me falling into him, away from him, as though he knew how little control I had over the warm rush that raced through my veins and pooled between my legs. All I knew at that moment was the taste and feel of him, the beauty of losing the air that separated us. Bucking my hips, I pressed harder into him, craving the pressure where I needed it the most. Was it normal to want someone, something, this badly?

  Noah moaned and pulled his mouth away, leaving me to groan in frustration. “Fuck, Grace.” He cupped my face and told me exactly what I didn’t want to hear. “You can sleep here tonight, but that’s as far as things are going.” I guess my face revealed my dissatisfaction and he grimaced. “I know. Trust me, I know. But that’s not what tonight is about.” He gently eased me off his lap and onto the bed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he said, making his way to the door.

  “Noah?” He turned at my call. “Don’t you dare have a shower. If I’m going to suffer, you can too!” His laugh made me smile as I settled beneath the covers.

  When he got into bed, he left a space between us but lay on his side, mirroring my position. “Do you want me to turn the light off?”

  “Not yet. I’m not very tired.”

  He grinned at the wry tone of my voice. “Tell me something I don’t know about you. What are your dreams for the future? What do you want to be?”

  “I don’t know. For years, I wanted to be an actress. My dad took me to see Wicked for my ninth birthday, and I fell in love. That was all I wanted. As I got older, the lure of pretending to be someone else grew stronger. I loved being someone other than me,” I admitted.

  Noah reached over and played with a tendril of my hair. “You shouldn’t want to be someone else. You’re amazing,” he whispered, his eyes telling me he believed his words, even if I didn’t.

  “I don’t know. Maybe it was more about wanting to forget for a while, especially when things were at their worst. But then I started working at Stagestars and I realised that I loved teaching too. And now that I’m not going to drama school, that’s probably what I’ll end up doing. What about you? What were your dreams? Did you always want to be a writer?”

  “Yes, but I didn’t truly believe it would happen. It’s ironic really. If Dad hadn’t had his stroke, I’d probably be a disillusioned copywriter at best, wondering why I didn’t take a more practical degree. I’m hoping the column will turn into more and I’ve written some other articles for the paper but, as I can’t get to the London office very often, I’m out of the loop. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m grateful for what I have and the way it works around Dad. I’m luckier than most. Okay, next question.” His face became serious. “What stops you sleeping at night? What haunts you?”

  I wondered if he was asking because he wanted to disclose something or because he wanted me to reveal the worst of myself. “Shit, that’s deep. Are you sure you want to go there?”

  He continued to play with my hair and my heart. “Only if you want to. I haven’t talked to someone like this for… well, since Dad had his stroke. Guys don’t really spill their guts to each other. But if you’re uncomfortable, no pressure.” The open honesty in his eyes made me want to show him how much I trusted him.

  “Sometimes I feel responsible, like most of what’s happened is my fault. Jake and Neve had broken up, and I convinced him to get back together with her. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t have been in Brighton, wouldn’t have got involved in that fight, wouldn’t have… well, he would still be here. If none of that had happened, Mum would have finally got over Dad, and none of us would be in the position we’re in now.” I pressed my fingers into the corners of my eyes, determined not to turn this into a pity party.

  Noah’s hands covered mine. “Look at me, Grace.” I opened my eyes to find his face close to mine. “That’s such misguided guilt. Please don’t believe that. Your mum was never going to go back to how she used to be, was she? Honestly?”

  “Probably not,” I acknowledged.

  “And Jake? He was your big brother. Sure, he listened to you, but he was old enough to be making his own decisions.”

  I loved what Noah was trying to do, but I knew the truth.

  “I pushed him, talked him into it. He was so in love with her and I could see how heartbroken he was.” I let the tears fall. I’d never admitted this to anyone. “I knew how determined he was to stay away from her but I wouldn’t stop. I just wanted him to be happy again.”

  Noah stroked the tears away. “And he was, wasn’t he? Happy again? Nobody knows what’s going to happen, Grace. There’s no crystal ball telling us when we will be facing the final decisions of our lives so to make them count. You don’t know that he would still be here today. But you helped him to be happy. He was happy and loved. Nobody wants more than that.”

  There was a part of me that wanted to believe him. Maybe someday I could, just not yet.

  I tried to smile. “Okay, your turn now.” I took one of his hands in mine and held it under my chin.

  Noah took a deep breath and momentarily glanced away. “You know I said that I’d never missed having a mum?”

  I nodded.

  “I lied. I missed her so much. I would watch other kids and their mums and crave the silly little things they did, like leaving notes in their packed lunches or wiping their faces after eating ice cream. I remember dreading dress-up days at school. Dad would always try to rustle up something with a few bin bags and some sticky tape, but I always wished it wasn’t him making my costumes.”

  My tears were now for that little boy, envying what he deserved to have, as much as they were for the man baring his soul to me.

  “I used to think that those moments were payback for killing her, that God was making me suffer for what I had done.” I couldn’t help my sharp intake of breath at his words. “Oh, I don’t think that now but, when I was little, that’s what I believed. But maybe I do still think it. I’ve missed her again since getting to know you. I wish I had someone to ask how to show you what you mean to me, someone to tell me how—”

  “You’re doing an amazing job,” I interrupted. “You don’t need her to tell you what to do. But if she were here, she’d just be so proud of who you are, what you’ve become.” His eyes were shining, and I wanted to take away the pain we had shared. “Next question. Favourite ice cream flavour?”

  His grin made me melt. “Anything chocolate. You?”

  “Chocolate makes me happy too. See, it’s Fate we’re together. Your turn for a question now.” I squeezed the hand I still held as he paused for thought.

  “Can I kiss you?” There was a split second when I almost made a joke of his request but, looking in his eyes, I saw it wasn’t really about a kiss.

  “Yes,” I breathed.

  Noah moved closer and took my face in his hands. It wasn’t a kiss of passion, of desire; it was an entry in a gratitude journal, thanking the gods that we had found each other. It was a promise that we wouldn’t do anything to lose this person we were lucky to have found.

  We fell asleep in each other’s arms, believing in this second chance we had been given to love and be loved.

  AS I WATCHED GRACE sleep, I knew I was falling into something I would struggle to get myself out of. I was floundering in the depths of the emotions that ran through me, keeping me awake.

  Maybe it was growing up in an all-male household. Maybe it was the fact I’d never had a p
roper girlfriend. Maybe it was just me. Of course, I had expected to meet a girl, settle down, get a mortgage and so on, but I hadn’t expected this. It was how I imagined astronauts felt when they experienced zero gravity; everything that had seemed normal to me, that had anchored me down, now felt strange. I was floating around my familiar world, filled with a heady mix of wonder and fear that made everything I knew seem unknown.

  The sun was rising, but I couldn’t let myself go back to sleep. She had slept with me the last three nights and each morning I had got out of bed as soon as I stirred, determined she wouldn’t wake up afraid again. Each night she had pushed me to my frustrated limit, but I had kept control. Just. I knew that once I’d tasted her, been inside her, I wouldn’t be able to let her go. And despite the promise I had made, the deepest part of my heart knew she deserved more than I could give.

  With a sleepy stretch, Grace woke and gave me a smile that made my heart fill my chest so much my lungs hurt.

  “Hey,” I muttered, blown away by how perfect she looked, with her hair all mussed and her eyes blinking into focus. It was how I imagined she would look as she came. That wasn’t the wisest thought when I was already sporting a forest’s worth of morning wood. “It’s results day.” That thought was enough to make me disintegrate into sawdust.

  “So it is.”

  Although more focused, her eyes were guarded. We both knew that it was a day of decisions bigger than either of us were properly ready to face. But time is a sadistic master.

  “Are you going to ride in? Or I could give you a lift if you want.” I remembered collecting my own results before going out with a group of my mates to celebrate. But Grace didn’t seem to have friends to share the moment with and, as much as it could mean the end of us, I didn’t want her to face it on her own.